Vampiric Peaches
by Llama Mama23
Summary: Emmett decides to attempt to turn peaches into vampires. WARNING: Extremely pointless and stupid!


**Vampiric peaches**

**A/N: This whole thing is written by Murmerer's idea, on Murmerer's suggestion, and for Murmerer (a fan). So if you think it's stupid (which most of you probably will) blame her. The characters will probably be a little OOC (out of character), because this is a very strange fanfiction. Enjoy!**

**And there is something similar to this in '51 things Emmett Cullen is not allowed to do' (AWESOME story, READ IT!) and no 'idea-stealing' is intended by this story, as my previous Author's Note said, this was ALL Murmerer. This was the only way I could think to write it. **

**Disclaimer: I would willingly give up an arm and a leg to own the rights to ****Twilight**** but I currently still have both said body parts, so that must mean I don't own them.**

**(And I heard that a person can get sued for not putting a disclaimer, so I want to know if it is someone's JOB to sit there and read disclaimers on fanfiction. So it that person is you, please leave a review telling me so…it would make my day) **

**Edward's POV (point of view) – sometime between Twilight and New Moon**

I drove my Volvo smoothly into Newton's store, waiting for Bella to get off from work. I stared at the big window in the front of the store, wondering _again_ why Bella chose to work. I could never willingly spend more than five minutes in Mike Newton's presence. I shrugged to myself, knowing that I'd never understand Bella as long as I existed.

As I thought her name she came bouncing out of the store, her chocolate brown hair flowing behind her as she ran to the car, trying to avoid the sprinkling rain. I watched her carefully, waiting for her to trip on the way. Miraculously she made it to the car without doing any injury to herself, and I grinned as she stepped into the car, permeating it with her beautiful scent, made even stronger by the rain.

"Hi." She breathed, settling into the leather seat. I leaned over quickly, giving in to my urge to kiss her beautiful lips. "Hi." I replied, pulling away when her breath had hitched a couple of levels.

I settled back into my own seat, intertwining our hands together on the space between our two seats. With her warm hand wrapped inside my freezing one, I smiled to myself, still not believing the luck that brought her to me.

She tilted her head, watching the rain fly by the window at deadly speed. When I wasn't in her direct line of vision, I was free to stare at her instead of watching the road like she so often ordered me to do. Her skin looked radiant, almost glowing with the happiness that she seemed to constantly radiate. I kept driving, glancing at the road on occasion, mostly when I thought she was looking at me.

"Are you coming over to the house?" I asked, still watching her gorgeous features.

"If I can. Charlie ungrounded me this morning, after you'd already left." She swiveled her head back towards me, making me loose myself for a few seconds in her chocolate eyes.

"What do you mean 'if I can?" I clarified.

"As long as it's okay with everyone." She smiled at me again, automatically triggering my mouth to twitch up into a happy grin.

"Of course it's okay. It's _always_ okay. You shouldn't even have to ask." I brought her warm hand up to my lips, pressing them firmly against the back of her hand.

She grinned at me, showing off the dimples in her cheeks.

We drove in silence to my house, both of us discretely watching the other when we thought we weren't looking.

As we approached the house I caught a train of thought. '_Thank goodness nobody's home. Everyone would kill me for this._' I recognized Emmett's mind-voice, sounding extremely excited. I pulled up to the house as silently as possible, still reading everything I could out of Emmett's mind. My mind automatically flew to Rosalie and what they would be doing to get 'everyone to kill them' but Emmett had thought that no one was home; he wasn't the type of person to _want_ to be alone. This must be something bad.

"Bella," I whispered, so low that even Emmett wouldn't hear it. "Can you wait in the car for a moment? I hear something strange inside." She nodded mutely, and I climbed silently out of the car, ignoring the rain, and noting with satisfaction that Emmett hadn't heard a thing. His thoughts weren't giving anything away, but I could tell he was carrying something. '_I'll only need about 20 more. Then I should have enough. I'll just set them here for now.' _ It was rather confusing, and now I felt a strong urge to find out what was going on, so instead of going through the front door, I opted for just climbing up to my room, then climbing down towards the lower stories. Emmett was in the kitchen, and walking into the living room, then back to the kitchen. I climbed as stealthily as possible up to my bedroom, where the window was always unlocked. I opened the window, flinching at the soft squeak as it opened. I jumped lithely into my room, tiptoeing across to my door, still eavesdropping on Emmett's mysterious thoughts. '_Time to start.'_ I waited at my door, trying to hear what on Earth was going to 'start'. After hearing dead silence for a few moments, I gently opened my door, walking out onto the landing that over-looked the living room, where Emmett's thoughts were coming from.

He was sitting on the floor with his back to me, surrounded by…

Peaches.

The fuzzy food that humans eat! Real Peaches! Dozens of them! I was extremely surprised. Not only was it difficult to find real food in this house, it was difficult to sneak it in! No one in our family could _stand_ the smell of human food. The only times we put up with it was during lunch at school, and for Bella. This was not lunch hour, and Bella wasn't here (that _he_ knew of) therefore he had no reason to-

His next action stopped all thought. Stopped it dead.

He took a bite of a peach!

_**XXX**_

I stared at him, totally flabbergasted. Vampires didn't go around eating peaches. Period. It just doesn't happen.

I watched intently, waiting to see if he was actually planning on _eating _a peach, but after he sunk his teeth into the peach - his back twitched slightly, indicating a grimace- he quickly set the peach back down on the floor surrounding him, and I dared to hope that he had just temporarily lost his mind, and was now going to throw all the peaches away like a good little vampire.

Nope.

He picked up another peach and bit into it once, before setting it aside and picking up the next one, and biting that one.

I blinked rapidly. This was not making any sen-

It hit me then like the bolts of lightning starting to flash outside.

Emmett was trying to turn the peaches into vampires.

I almost laughed at the idea. It was totally and one hundred percent impossible. Emmett was out of his puny little mind, but this was going to make a great story. I stood there, not making a sound, debating if I should let Emmett know I saw this or not. If I alerted him to my presence, he would be beyond embarrassed, and possibly try to bribe me into not sharing this interesting event with anyone else. But if I didn't, I still had a good laugh, as did everyone else that I chose to tell, but they might not believe that even _Emmett_ would do something so stupid.

It was a hard choice, but as I was about to clear my throat to say 'Um, hello! I see you eating peaches!' my eyes caught a faint movement on the floor. I scanned the room, noticing that Emmett had seen the movements too.

Before my very undead eyes, a peach rolled over! All by itself. Emmett chuckled, continuing with his peach-biting-fest. I glued my eyes to the peach, not believing my eyes when I saw another one roll over. The first one that had moved rolled again, pulling itself onto the pointy part that peaches had, and balancing on it perfectly. It swiveled on that part, scooting forward a few inches.

This was impossible. Emmett was making peach-vampires! The 50 or so peaches that had already been bitten were all swinging up onto their points, turning in circles as if they were looking around. Emmett sat down the last peach, cackling happily to himself just as a peal of thunder sounded from ahead.

Suddenly about 20 or so peaches started hopping towards the door. They moved remarkably fast! For peaches anyway…

"Do you want out, my pretties?" Emmett asked, still cackling. To my utter amazement (you'd think it'd be used up by now, wouldn't you?) Several of the peaches bobbed up and down, as if _nodding_! Emmett moved to the door, and opened it, making gallons of rain pour in. "Whose car is that?" Emmett said to himself, squinting into the rain. The peaches at his feet rolled out into the storm and one very vital factor hit me.

Those peaches were vampires. (There's one sentence I _never_ thought I'd say). New Vampires. New vampires were _very_ thirsty at first, thirsty for…

Human blood! Bella!

I jumped off the banister, landing with a soft 'plump' on the hardwood floor.

Emmett spun around, his face seeming to grow paler. "Edward! What are you doing here?"

"I _live_ here! And while you were busy making vampire _peaches_, there is a human _right outside that door_!" I ran outside, hearing Bella's scream just as the first drops of rain hit me.

**Bella's POV**

I looked curiously as a strange orange-ish ball bounced out of the now open door, and vaulted towards the Volvo.

The thing looked suspiciously like a peach, but I reasoned that it must be some sort of bouncy ball. Peaches didn't bounce, right? But when it hit the Volvo window, I recognized that it was, indeed, a peach. It seemed to be…alive! It was repeatedly ramming itself against the window, as if trying to get in, and despite the oddity of the situation, my brain was impressed at the abilities of the peach. A peach is _really_ short, and it was bouncing all the way up to my window. I didn't realize exactly what was going on, but then the strange peachy-thing shuddered a couple of times in midair, and then sharp _teeth_ popped out of it! _Teeth_! I screamed, no longer impressed by the peach's jumping power.

Edward came running out of the house, followed closely by Emmett, who seemed to be screaming something along the lines of "Not _that_ human, my pretties!" and flapping his hands around. I scooted over to the driver's seat, trying to escape from the peach with teeth, but _another_ one started bouncing at this window! What was _happening?_

I screamed again, as all the windows became crowded with bouncing peaches. Edward's hand appeared, ripping the peaches away from the car and flinging them so far into the air that they were probably now orbiting around the Earth.

"No! Don't hurt them!" Emmett screamed, producing a huge bag from nowhere, and started shoving peaches into it. Edward ignored him, and continued to improve our orbiting system with vampiric peaches.

Edward's hand closed over one particular peach, and I saw its teeth sink into Edward's skin.

Edward hissed, flinging the peach off his hand. The peaches had made fine cracks in the glass of the widows, and I could hear the rain echoing around them, and the sound of the peaches bouncing off the ground, as well as curses from both Edward and Emmett.

Edward pulled out his cell phone with one hand, dialing effortlessly, while clutching his bitten hand to his chest

"Esme? I was just _bitten _by a _peach_!" he screamed into the phone. As some of the peaches came towards him for round two, he resumed flinging them off the car with one hand. The peaches seemed to be getting smarter, and started working together to hit the windows. The sound of cracking glass surrounded me, and I pinched myself to make sure this wasn't some bazaar dream. Nope. I was _really_ being attacked by peaches. Great.

Edward spoke quickly into the phone, telling Esme and the entire family to get back home as quickly as possible, explaining with lightning speed that Emmett had tried to turn peaches into vampires.

I screamed again as one of the windows in the back seat gave a final crack and shattered, flinging glass everywhere. Edward roared and threw himself at the peaches, cell phone lying forgotten on the ground. Emmett, who was examining a hole in the bottom of his bag, seemed to realize that his little containment unit wouldn't be able to hold super-strong peaches, and flung it aside.

With a dry sob, he started stomping on the peaches, grinding them into the ground.

With impeccable timing, the rest of the Cullens flooded the scene. Rosalie went strait up to Emmett, smacking him on the back of his head. "YOU MADE PEACHES INTO VAMPIRES?" she screeched at him, appearing not to notice the pandemonium surrounding her.

"Kinda." Emmett mumbled, grinding a peach under his foot.

The Cullens surrounded the car, squishing all the remaining peaches one by one. When the ground was littered with little orange pancakes, Edward pulled the driver's door off its hinges, and pulled me roughly into his arms.

"Are you alright, Bella?" he said, anxiously scanning me for any injury.

"Yes, of course, I'm fine. How's your hand?" I pulled back, drawing his hand up to my face, examining it for marks.

"I'm fine. I was so worried about you." He murmured, kissing me fiercely. He pulled away after a second, looking into my eyes.

"So you're sure you're fine? No injuries? At all?" he looked at me intently, and I saw something violent brewing in his eyes.

"Yes, I'm sure." I figured out who that violence was for and my eyes widened just as Edward turned quickly around and flew after Emmett.

"YOU ALMOST KILLED BELLA WITH PEACHES! YOU MADE _VAMPIRIC_ _PEACHES_!" Emmett ran for his life, and they became blurs running around the house over and over.

"We'll need to burn those." Jasper said sensibly, gesturing to the multiple orange pancakes littering the yard.

"WHAT? Burn them?" Emmett appeared in front of us, but he had forgotten about Edward, who promptly tackled him, making him take a face plant into the dirt. As they rolled around trying to kill each other. I saw an Emmett's-face-shaped dent in the ground, and started to laugh uncontrollably. Now that the danger of being eaten by peaches had passed, the situation became incredibly funny. I was soon on the ground, clutching my stomach to keep it from imploding with laughter. Everyone else soon started to laugh, and as they started to pick up all the pieces of vampire peach off the ground, the rain stopped, and the sun peeked out from its hiding place, smiling down on us from space.

**Epilogue**

"And scientists are baffled by this strange peach-like UFO, now orbiting around the Earth. It's about the size of an apple, but truly _does_ appear to be a peach! Scientists wonder if this means that there are other planets that are capable of growing food of any kind. There's talk of a new multi-million dollar space program to capture the peach and attempt to discover its origin.

And now Marvin Crentist with the local weather…"

Carlisle snapped off the television, taking a deep breath before opening his eyes to the guilty-looking Emmett and Edward sitting before him.

"What do you have to say for yourselves?" he demanded, glaring at each in turn.

"He started it." Edward mumbled, pointing to Emmett.

THE END!

**A Note from the Authoress: Thank you for reading! This is an edited version, as of August of 2011, which includes a nod to The Office, and my favorite news reporter. Hope you all liked! Review and let me know!**


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